I remember my heart is still hard to bond
by Kurama's fire miko
Summary: After Mizuki, Nakatsu learned something about himself he couldn’t ignore. Umeda is there to lead him on the way to his new lifestyle. multiple pairings
1. introduction

Title: I remember my heart is still hard to bond

Pairings: multiple pairings (many including Nakatsu and Umeda)

Rating: currently pg-13 but will become NC-17 sooner or later.

Genre: romance, drama, angst

Summary: After Mizuki, Nakatsu learned something about himself he couldn't ignore. Umeda is there to lead him on the way to his new lifestyle.

A/N: This story is really like the plot bunny what wouldn't go away. It nearly chewed my leg off. So I have a couple of things to say about this fic. First is this fic isn't going to be as simple as it may sound. Nakatsu isn't going to get fucked by Umeda and that be the end of it. I really want Nakatsu to explore must most teens do, explore relationships and maybe a few serious ones. Umeda is going to become like a mentor for him. (Since you know it isn't as easy finding relations with someone of the same sex, and I'm very sure Nakatsu wouldn't be able to do much on his own.) This leads me to the other thing I want to talk about. **If anyone wants this story then I need reviews.** I'm not going to waste my time on this if I don't get the reviews I'm wanting. I have many other fics that I could be working on besides this. I want this to be a good complex story but only if you guys let me because if this doesn't work out then I'm moving on to the fics I work on in LiveJoural. So enough of my nagging and I'll let you jump into it.

* * *

Nakatsu discovered, after his love for Mizuki had dimmed to pure friendship, that there was something in his life that changed. With all the time he had believed he was in love with a boy, he had considered the physical aspect of being with a boy. Whether or not Mizuki was secretly a girl, Nakatsu didn't know that. (Taiki had always neglected to tell him.) He would think about it late at night sometimes, wondering what it would be like to kiss a guy or even make love with one. As time went on the thoughts became more frequent as well as more graphic. It was clear, Taiki could tell by Nakatsu aura, not to ever bring up the sounds of Nakatsu's soft moans that he heard late at night.

It grew further then Nakatsu could have ever imagined by the time he had confessed to Mizuki alone. He heart pumped so fast with her in his arms. Not for one second did he believe that Mizuki was a girl. All he could think of was that the person he loved so much was in his arms and how much he wanted to keep on holding Mizuki. Rejection set in soon enough, and he had Taiki to comfort him.

He thought, when he found out that Mizuki was a girl, that all of it would just go away. Not his feeling for her, but the longing of what he pictured as a male body and the dreams of such. He denied it for some months after Mizuki went back to America. He wanted to really keep on thinking he was straight even though he had been right on the edge before. Nakatsu still wanted to hold on to the last hope that he was straight, that he was normal.

He started noticing certain things during soccer practice and the locker room. He would hit himself whenever his brain started thinking those thoughts. It was getting hard to handle it on his own so he went to the best councilor he could think of, Nakao. He had never really acknowledged Nakao's crush on Minami before he started to like Mizuki. In a way it made him feel like he wasn't alone in his struggle. Though he never acted like it, he watched the way Nakao reacted about their sempai. Even after Minami graduated, Nakatsu could tell the boy was still harboring feelings.

If only Nakatsu knew that his classmate was only a small stepping stone to the real councilor that would lead him on his path to new sexual discovery.

It was extremely awkward asking Nakao questions once he caught him after class. At first he tried to act like his happy-go-lucky self and put everything off as a joke, but Nakatsu could see that he had upset Nakao.

"Don't treat my feelings as a joke. Even Nanba-sempai treated my feelings with more respect then this," the cute boy had told him.

He was lashing out but not in his normal way. Nakao stood still with his face strong and serious making him look more mature then Nakatsu had ever seen him. So he threw his pride away and explained himself with every detail about all his feelings and desires to this guy he never really given time to talk to. Nakao looked down with flushed cheeks as he pointed down the hall. Nakatsu was going to question him when Nakao clarified.

"Sensei. Umeda-sensei will be able to help you more then I can."

Nakatsu's face darkened as he felt a cold chill creep up his back. There was no way he was going to ask that demon for advice. He wondered how in the world he would be able to help him. He screamed a million times in his head that there was no way the doctor could help with this kind of thing, and he was defiantly not going to see him. He still felt beside himself when he ended up in the infirmary. He still wondered why the man was a doctor since he kicked him when he came busting into the room. It took a lot of control to not yell at him like he normally did. Instead he asked if he could explain himself. It was only when he paid attention is when he noticed that Akiha was in the room as well.

It was rare, not that Nakatsu knew it, that Umeda and Akiha sat quietly beside each other as they listened to the younger boy's problem. After he seemed like he was finished the two looked at each other as if to reaffirm something.

"Are you sure? Do you really think you like guys? This isn't just about her, right?" Umeda asked before lighting himself a cigarette. Akiha shortly joined him by touching the end of list to Umeda's to light it. Nakatsu watched them carefully, watching the intimate jesters of people who didn't world well together.

Nakatsu snapped out of his daze to answer.

"No it isn't just Mizuki anymore. I can't seem to stop it now."

Umeda looked like he was considering something as he took a long drag of the cigarette. A puff a smoke soothed out his lips with a sigh. Umeda's fingers delicately held the stick away from his mouth as tip of it glowed amber while tiny trails of smoke drifted towards the ceiling. His other hand came up to rub the silent frustration from his temples. His eyes stared by at Nakatsu with a cat-like gleam.

"I can help you."


	2. drained

Title: I remember my heart is still hard to bond

Pairings: multiple pairings (many including Nakatsu and Umeda)

Rating: currently pg-13 but will become NC-17 sooner or later.

Genre: romance, drama, angst

Summary: After Mizuki, Nakatsu learned something about himself he couldn't ignore. Umeda is there to lead him on the way to his new lifestyle.

A/N: To all of you who reviewed, alerted, or faved I'd liked to thank you. I was really surprised how fast the reviews came in. So seeing as how people really want to keep this going then I shall have to write more.

* * *

Nakatsu looked at them both with eyes clouded with confusion. He looked between them and opened his mouth to speak again for the sixth time, then pointed to Umeda first.

"Let me get this straight," then he stopped, "damn, I mean okay let me understand this."

Umeda and Nakatsu both looked more wary by the second.

Using a rude informal speech he pointed to Umeda again, "You are gay, and," he pointed at Akiha, "you are bi?"

Akiha grinned before speaking, "I like to think of myself as an equal opportunity lover."

Then Umeda sighed and kicked Nakatsu for his rude way of speaking. The doctor then went into a speech that if Nakatsu really wanted his help then he needed to start being more respectful because he was going to be a teacher in many new things. Umeda could already tell that it was going to be a long journey for all of them. Then he noticed that Nakatsu was studying him, like he had seen the doctor for the first time. It felt somewhat unnerving to the doctor. Umeda looked over at the photographer only to realize that Akiha had noticed it too, and was greatly amused by it.

"So have you ever done anything with each other?" was the first thing Nakatsu asked.

Umeda growled a 'no' while Akiha chirped out a 'yes'. It seemed Nakatsu was confused again. Umeda looked over at Akiha and scowled as best as he could.

"Your sneak attacks do not count," he growled before slumping down in his chair.

Nakatsu looked over at Akiha with his eyes like Mizuki, "You like Umeda?" Still using rude speech, Umeda sighed.

"Since we went to this school," his smile melted slowly, "but he has always been in love with someone else."

Nakatsu took the information in and he looked at Umeda again like he had seen him for the first time. He really never though of Umeda being able to love, well anyone. It was like seeing a hint of a whole new side of someone that you didn't know they had; it makes you want to learn. All the staring was making Umeda nervous though he didn't let it show. He wasn't going to appear so weak in front of a student, Nakatsu no less.

"Akiha you talk way too much," Umeda said getting up from his seat to go do some work.

"Wait! What should I do now?"

Nakatsu's brain flashed with worry in the unfamiliar situation. When the doctor didn't say anything he looked toward Akiha as he begged for his help only with his eyes. The other smiled at him as he got up to pat his head.

"Try being more aware of your surroundings and what people are doing. You might notice there are more of us then you think," he grinned before prancing out the door without a good-bye.

"Just do what Akiha said and see if you learn anything," Umeda mumbled as he shifted through paperwork.

Nakatsu quietly let himself out of the room.

"Hey," Umeda called loud enough for the boy to hear him outside the infirmary. Nakatsu's shiny blond hair peeked through the door again to look at the doctor, who was still shuffling paperwork around his desk.

"If you still want my help then come see me in a few days. I'll have something to give you by then," Umeda's voice seemed cold to him, but the doctor was still facing away from him so he couldn't see his expression.

"Fine then," Nakatsu stormed away just on principle. He just couldn't stand the cold tone he has used.

Once he was sure he was gone, Umeda's hand stilled as he looked at the mess he had made with the papers. He let out a small pained sound as he laid his head on his desk. His head throbbed as the thought back through the whole conversation. He debates calling Ryoichi to tell him about it but instead takes a pain killer and get ready to leave.

Nakatsu laid his head on the table while everyone else in the room ate their dinner. If he were to listen, he would hear the whispers of others wondering why he wasn't eating. He was tired, his head was hurting, and he was confused about everything that had happened. Nakatsu lifted his head slightly to look at who had sat down beside him. It was Nakao with a passive expression.

"You look pretty dead right now," Nakao said almost off-handedly as he began to eat his dinner.

Nakatsu gave him a glare for pointing out the obvious. Then he planted his face back into the table before mumbling some unintelligible words that Nakao couldn't make out. Nakao laughed a sort of sarcastic laugh as he carried on with his meal. Nakatsu groaned deep within his chest as he lifted off the table with what strength he had left. He took a moment to look at Nakao as if he now had a new set of eyes. Nakatsu observed the flawless porcelain skin with long eyelashes around his larges eyes. Nakatsu felt something inside him stir.

"It was strange… talking about things like that with that demon doctor," Nakatsu mumbled eyes following down Nakao's neck.

"Well of course it was, it isn't like you two have ever gotten along, but who else is better to help you?" Nakao said as he smiled with a hint of smugness.

"All of this is strange. I mean a major part of my left has changed and I'm just going to let it. It feels like I'm encouraging myself like while I'm looking at you right now. Oh god," Nakatsu groaned and buried his face into his hands before Nakao sited the blush on his face.

Nakao gave a small chuckled as he finished his dinner. He patted Nakatsu's head lightly in a gesture of sympathy before taking his tray away. Not expecting the other to come back, he mumbled to himself about how stupid it was to let that slip. He kept repeating the word "idiot" in his head until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He tried to clear his mind before he looked up at Nakao once again.

Nakatsu wanted to say he didn't know what he is standing outside in the cold darkness alone with Nakao but that would be a lie if he did. He was the one that asked if Nakao could talk to him alone. There is a lot of things he wants to ask like, 'Is it normal to obsessively think about being with guys just by looking at them?' or 'Do you know what it is like dating another guy?' and other things of this nature. However the question that comes out of his mouth is, "Can I kiss you?"

Nakatsu isn't sure the look on Nakao's face is quite the reaction he wanted. It is kind of a mixture of confusion and anger but more confusion then anything. He wondered vaguely if that is the reaction he should have expected. So he felt slightly lucky that Nakao hadn't punched him in the face or kicked him in the groin yet.

"Why?" is the simple reply he gets back. Nakatsu thought that it would be pretty obvious why but then he thought about how many times he had been called stupid during his life.

"What do you mean why?" Yeah, but Nakatsu felt like arguing the matter.

"Why me? Why should I have to be some sort of test of your sexuality?" Huh, good point.

"Because I don't know who else to ask. I just want to see if I still want to go through with this, and I think you are kinda pretty," Nakatsu mumbled out the last part with a scarlet blush on his face. Nakao's expression softened.

"So it won't mean anything. You aren't going to fall in love with me because I was your first homo kiss, right? I still love sempai very much," Nakao warned as he edged closer.

"No I won't," Nakatsu assured him as he also moved closer, "So can I kiss you?"

By then they were standing face to face with each other, so close they could feel each other's warmth. Nakao nodded nervously almost as if he wanted to quit and run away, but he seemed caught when Nakatsu placed his hand awkwardly on his waist. Nakatsu closed his eyes as he gently pressed his lips to Nakao's in a kiss. Nakao's lips were soft, Nakatsu noticed, as they kissed slowly. Nakatsu felt that strange stir in his chest as he pulled away. He got the evidence he wanted.

"Thanks," Nakatsu said as he held an awkward pose with fingers nervously running through his hair.

"No problem," Nakao smirked before he laughed that relieved some of the tension.

"Never again?" Nakatsu asked looking around as if someone were watching.

"Agreed. Friends then?"

"Yeah."

Nakatsu sluggishly pulled himself into his room that he shared with Taiki. He didn't take any notice of his roommate as he fell onto his bed out of pure exhaustion.

"That is the strangest aura I've seen you have yet. Would you like to talk about it?" Taiki asked quietly from his desk.

"No," Nakatsu mumbled into his pillow.

"Alright then," is all Taiki said before turning out the light.


	3. present

Nakatsu's body tossed and turned in the bed as his nightmare went on

Title: I remember my heart is still hard to bond

Pairings: multiple pairings (many including Nakatsu and Umeda)

Rating: currently pg-13 but will become NC-17 sooner or later.

Genre: romance, drama, angst

Summary: After Mizuki, Nakatsu learned something about himself he couldn't ignore. Umeda is there to lead him on the way to his new lifestyle.A

A/N: God I should be working on my research paper that is due monday, but since I was almost done with this I couldn't leave it alone.

* * *

Nakatsu's body tossed and turned in the bed as his nightmare went on. His brain was still hazy when he opened his eyes slightly. He couldn't remember what the nightmare was about, but he knew it was unpleasant. He felt strange as he eyes shifted to the other side of the bed were Taiki was sitting, watching him. Taiki gave a soft look before whispering for his friend to go back to bed. He wasn't so sure he could until Taiki touched his head in a gentle petting motion. It felt so good Nakatsu feel right back asleep and didn't wake up until it was time for morning soccer practice.

Taiki was already gone time he got up. Nakatsu tried his best to figure out if that moment with the other really happened or if it was some strange part of his dream. None the less, his head was still clouded with all the events of the day before. He touched his lips briefly as he felt something burn in his chest. He couldn't tell if it was curiosity or anticipation what wanted to see if he could try again. This led him to be unfocused the whole practice as he thought about the kiss and the present the doctor would have for him.

After practice he was the first to run in the locker room, get dressed, and leave before he saw anyone's body. He was about to run off for good when the captain of his team stopped him.

"I need you to bring this note to the head of dorm one, and get your head cleared out before next practice. You are useless to us if you can't focus on the game," his captain told him before handing him a piece of folded white paper. He hung his head low as he walked off to the dojo without so much as an argument. He knew his captain was right about that. They had a game coming up and if he didn't do something then he was going to be useless. He couldn't become a professional soccer player if he was going to let this faze him.

Nakatsu finally got a hold of himself when he stepped into the Karate team's dojo. He and Tennouji verbally sparred a couple of times before the note was properly delivered. On his way out, Nakatsu noticed Kadoma twisted his ankle and Kujo was fast to rush over to his side to take a look at his injured limb. Nakatsu watched with a strange fascination at the movements of Kujo's hands that were tenderly checking for any serious damage. Nakatsu remembered back on Ahika had said as he watched the body language of Kujo in particular. It slowly clicked into his head now that he knew what to look for. He had never noticed it before, the way Kujo looked at Kadoma.

"I might be sprained. I need to take you Umeda-sensei," Kujo voiced as he picked the younger boy without much effort. Kadoma blushed as he buried his head into Kujo's neck and insisted he was fine.

It took a few times for Nakatsu to voice what he wanted to say but once Kujo reached the door was when he got the courage to say it.

"I'll got with you guys. I was planning on seeing that demon doctor anyway."

Nakatsu's smirk was so smug it looked, as if to say 'Ha I know your secret now.'

I seemed Kujo really didn't care if the blond knew a secret or not. Nakatsu almost wanted to threaten that he would tell Kadoma but then he realized it wasn't smart to piss off someone who was good at karate. Kadoma was in pain, Kujo was in a hurry, and Nakatsu followed him anyway as they exchanged comebacks the whole way there. It helped him feel more relaxed so he didn't have to really think about meeting Umeda again.

Nakatsu played back the conversation with the doctor many times over, but it was still strange every time. He had tried his best to look at the doctor and understand him, but Umeda was still a mystery to him. Was there really someone that demon of a doctor loved? The same man that kicked him, hit him, did spiteful things to him, and called him stupid, loved someone? He thought about Umeda's cold tone before he left. Could he really trust this person to take care of him? The doctor did say he would give him something if he really wanted the help. Nakatsu was extremely curious to see what it would be.

"So what do we have here?" Umeda asked as he saw Kujo and Kadoma enter the room.

Kadoma pulled his head up from Kujo's neck to answer, "I twisted my ankle during practice, but I'm fine."

Kujo scowled, "He may have sprained it. It is best for you to look at it."

Then Umeda saw Nakatsu's shiny blond hair peek out from behind Kujo's tall figure. He acted like he hadn't noticed the soccer player as he looked over Kadoma's ankle. Nakatsu looked how serious Umeda was has he applied ointments and bandaged Kadoma's ankle. Nakatsu looked over at Kujo and recognized that same look from Sano's face any time Mizuki had gotten hurt. Why had he never noticed these things before?

"Don't worry this isn't that bad. That blond monkey over there did worse at the festival last year. Just make sure you don't over do it and try using some ice to help the swelling," Umeda said before going over to one of the cabinet and pulling out one of the bottles, "Take one of these if it hurts too much."

"Thank you Sensei," Kadoma mumbled before Kujo retrieved the medicine and helped the younger boy out of the infirmary.

Umeda sighed as he sat back down in his chair and eyed Nakatsu.

"I didn't expect you to be back so soon," Umeda said as he tried to relax his body. It looked like he really needed a cigarette.

"Well yeah I'm here. Got a problem with it?" Nakatsu huffed as he crossed his arms and looked away.

"Not really. Were you eager to see what I had for you?" Umeda said with a smirk on his lips.

"I guess." Nakatsu wasn't sure if that was the only reason.

"Well it is your lucky day," Umeda said dryly as he got up to open his bag.

Nakatsu's eyes grew large as Umeda dropped a thick book onto his desk. Then he blinked and looked back at Umeda.

"Forbidden Colors by Mishima Yukio. This will be yours to read. Think of it as a reading assignment," Umeda smiled sarcastically as he tried to hand the book over to the boy.

"Are you kidding? That book must be at least 500 pages long!" Nakatsu didn't know what the other was thinking.

"That is irrelevant. The point I'm trying to make here is about this story, not how long the book it. I'm sure you have heard of Mishima-san before. I bet they made you read _The Sound of Waves _in class, but this is a different book with a different story. I read this book when I was your age," Umeda's features looked soft and nostalgic as he looked at the book in his head.

I may have been just because of the look on the doctor's face that made Nakatsu take the book from him. The book felt like it weighted a ton in his hands. His fingers brushed the spine and cover experimentally. Nakatsu stared at the book as blond strands fell into his eyes. He tried to figure out what had been in Umeda's nostalgic expression. He pulled the book closer as he suddenly remembered to tell the doctor something.

"Kujo he… when I saw the way he acted when Kadoma got hurt… I remembered what that weird photographer told me. That if I watch, I would find more of us. Kujo is he?"

Umeda closed his eyes and nodded his head.

"I didn't expect you to notice that, but I was also surprised to see you come in with them. How did you end up with them?" Umeda asked with a bit of a sarcastic edge. He took a seat, slouching as his gaze drifted toward Nakatsu.

"Captain asked me to give a note to someone. Looks like he had some business with Tennouji. When Kujo said they were coming to see you, I just went with them," Nakatsu said with voice louder then usual as he gripped the book tighter.

"How eventful," Umeda say with a sigh. The doctor looked bored as if it didn't mean anything at all to him. Then it struck Nakatsu, why should he care about someone like that? Somehow he wanted the doctor to praise him somehow, like he had done something good. It seemed Umeda had two moods with him, aggressive and passive aggressive.

"That isn't all.." Nakatsu mumbled looking at the book again.

"Then what else?" Umeda pushed further as he pulled out a pack of cigarettes. Nakatsu made him want to smoke.

"I had my first boy kiss last night," Nakatsu so embarrassed telling the doctor about it. He wondered if the other would think it was no big deal.

The cigarette that was held by Umeda's lips fell onto the table.

"What? With who?" Umeda was shocked as he leaned forward and grab Nakatsu by his shirt.

Nakatsu felt more embarrassed as he face turned cherry red.

"Nakao Senri," said in just a mere whisper of his voice.

Umeda looked mortified and almost lost grip of Nakatsu's shirt. However, when he got a hold of himself he nearly pulled the boy across the table. He looked more pissed off then Nakatsu had ever seen him, and he was feeling scared from that sharp look in the doctor's eyes. For a second he forgot Umeda was gripping his shirt like mad as he met Umeda's glare. He pulled the doctor's hand off with him with more courage the thought he had.

"It looks like you don't need my help then," Umeda mumbled as if he was sulking.

Nakatsu looked panicked at the thought of losing the doctor's guidance. He started rambling in an attempt to change the doctor's mind, but it wasn't doing any good. All it seemed to do was make him angrier.

"Leave. Class has already started. Leave now," Umeda yelled sounding as cold as ice.

Nakatsu yelled back but Umeda managed to push him out of the infirmary. Once Nakatsu was gone, Umeda slumped back into his seat. He picked up the phone and dialed a number.

"Hey can you meet me for drinks after work?" Umeda mumbled into the phone receiver.

"God you sound like you need to get smashed," Ryoichi laughed over the phone.

"No kidding, and it is still the beginning of the day."

"Same place then Hokuto?"

"Yeah."


End file.
